G’day Britain. I’m Back In Action!

YES! Sir Lesley Colin Patterson, international diplomat is back, and I’m letting it all hang out on my very own HARD-CORE, LIVE, SEX EDUCATION VIDEO for troubled adults and dysfunctional drinkers.

So sit back on your bean-bags, in your boxer shorts, with a glass of the old Chardonnay in one hand and whatever you fancy in the other and let Les show you the ropes in a Bangkok ‘Rub & Tug’ shop; advise you on how to inspect ceilings in the Sistine Chapel and whisk you off on a horny trip around ‘Tuna Town’.

Not only that but I’ll tell you how I personally nabbed the Olympic Games for Sydney 2000, used my diplomatic charm on the French Frogs and cheered up Little Di.

AND with a helping hand from my own personal smörgasbord of hornbags, THE GORGEOUS LESETTES, I’ll teach you how YOU too can make a woman supremely happy. (Are you with me?) NO WORRIES!

Sir Les Patterson

• Sir Les’ speech writers: Barry Humphries and Ian Davidson
• Music by Laurie Holloway and Barry Humphries
• Lyrics by Barry Humphries
• Produced and Directed by Brian Klein

G’day Britain. I’m Back In Action!

YES! Sir Lesley Colin Patterson, international diplomat is back, and I’m letting it all hang out on my very own HARD-CORE, LIVE, SEX EDUCATION TAPE for troubled adults and dysfunctional drinkers.

So sit back on your bean-bags, in your boxer shorts, with a glass of the old Chardonnay in one hand and whatever you fancy in the other and let Les show you the ropes in a Bangkok ‘Rub & Tug’ shop; advise you on how to inspect ceilings in the Sistine Chapel and whisk you off on a horny trip around ‘Tuna Town’.

Not only that but I’ll tell you how I personally nabbed the Olympic Games for Sydney 2000, used my diplomatic charm on the French Frogs and cheered up Little Di.

AND with a helping hand from my own personal smörgasbord of hornbags, THE GORGEOUS LESETTES, I’ll teach you how YOU too can make a woman supremely happy. (Are you with me?) NO WORRIES!

Sir Les Patterson

This tape is the most powerful sex aid known to man. If you’ve got a nice little female prospect in your car or bachelor pad and she’s a bit slow in delivering the goods, slip this priceless cassette into the nearest aperture. As soon as my dulcet tones start filling the room or vehicle, you’ll notice the young lady or ceiling inspector of your choice starting to develop a high colour. She’ll start wriggling suggestively in her seat and more than likely there’ll be beads of perspiration breaking out on her highly aroused physiognomy. What happens next is up to you, but the chances are there will be couples, and even theresomes all over the planet lying back on waterbeds, smoking post-coital cigarettes and thanking an Australian diplomat and family man for the best audio foreplay they’ve ever had! Women will love this cassette too. It’ll help them relax those little muscles that sometimes get in the way of a good time. Stick this in your walkman and let Les Patterson give you the most satisfying ear job you’ve ever experienced.

Sir Les Patterson

10 Reasons Why You Should Buy Someone The Les Patterson Tape & Video

1. To turn on a reluctant girlfriend for some festive frolics.
2. To shock your mother-in-law and send her packing.
3. It’s a viable alternative to the Queen’s Christmas message.
4. For men – it’s a damn sight better than a tie!
5. Much more use than a handkerchief (but you might need one all the same).
6. It’s a guaranteed cure for impotence (money back if not completely satisfied).
7. Perfect hangover cure – Les does all the drinking.
8. Facial aerobics – it gets your laughing gear in order and will put a permanent grin on your face.
9. It’s a miracle birth control tape – ‘Les Patterson’s Immaculate Contraception’.
10. It will keep your Bishop celibate all Christmas long!

• Sir Les’ speech writers: Barry Humphries and Ian Davidson
• Music by Laurie Holloway and Barry Humphries
• Lyrics by Barry Humphries

Dear Video Viewer,

Call me old-fashioned, but like my little pal Shirley MacLaine, I am heavily into reincarnation. I have been Queen Nefertiti of the Nile, Queen Boadicea, Joan of Arc and Ms Anne Hathaway – who wrote most of Shakespeare’s material – to name but a few.

I only wish videos had been invented in those days so I could sit back and watch an exciting action replay of my olden day antics.

But, thanks to Virgin Videos, posterity at last has a chance to enjoy my current incarnation as caring mother and megastar. My most recent one woman show is now yours at the touch of your remote control. Incidentally, Possums, this video has a spookily historic dimension. It shows my incredible bravery on the night when heartbreak struck.

Please ignore the introductory item by Sir Les Patterson. It is unnecessary and uncalled for, and it would be a tragedy if the world judged Australia by its politicians. Suffice to say that Sir Les is more upmarket than most.

I have just heard that this historic video has now been placed in a time capsule so that future generations will get a spooky insight into the way we lived, loved and laughed in the late 80′s.

Happy viewing Possums…

Dame Edna

• Director Ken O’Neill
• Producer Neville Bolt