Live & Rampant! Les Patterson Has A Stand Up

UNCENSORED Recorded LIVE at The Whitehall Theatre

Live & Rampant! Les Patterson Has A Stand Up

G'day Britain. I’m Back In Action!

YES! Sir Lesley Colin Patterson, international diplomat is back, and I’m letting it all hang out on my very own HARD-CORE, LIVE, SEX EDUCATION TAPE for troubled adults and dysfunctional drinkers.

So sit back on your bean-bags, in your boxer shorts, with a glass of the old Chardonnay in one hand and whatever you fancy in the other and let Les show you the ropes in a Bangkok ‘Rub & Tug’ shop; advise you on how to inspect ceilings in the Sistine Chapel and whisk you off on a horny trip around ‘Tuna Town’.

Not only that but I’ll tell you how I personally nabbed the Olympic Games for Sydney 2000, used my diplomatic charm on the French Frogs and cheered up Little Di.

AND with a helping hand from my own personal smörgasbord of hornbags, THE GORGEOUS LESETTES, I’ll teach you how YOU too can make a woman supremely happy. (Are you with me?) NO WORRIES!

Sir Les Patterson

Track Side A Side B
1 Good Evening One And All Big Job Offer
2 Les The Fitness Freak My Father's Dying Words In The Pub
3 A Trip To Bangkok Charisma Coaching At No. 10
4 I Discovered I Was A Slob Farting With The French
5 The Only Les Who Isn't On Channel 4 Colonic Irrigation With Princess Diana
6 When In Rome My Wife Gwen's Suppositories
7 My Former Research Assistant I'm A Hard Act To Follow - A Song Of Proportion
8 Chardonnay Tuna Town
9 A Song Of Culinary Conquests A Country Song With The Emphasis On The First Syllable
10 The Patterson Interview Technique  

This tape is the most powerful sex aid known to man. If you’ve got a nice little female prospect in your car or bachelor pad and she’s a bit slow in delivering the goods, slip this priceless cassette into the nearest aperture. As soon as my dulcet tones start filling the room or vehicle, you’ll notice the young lady or ceiling inspector of your choice starting to develop a high colour. She’ll start wriggling suggestively in her seat and more than likely there’ll be beads of perspiration breaking out on her highly aroused physiognomy. What happens next is up to you, but the chances are there will be couples, and even theresomes all over the planet lying back on waterbeds, smoking post-coital cigarettes and thanking an Australian diplomat and family man for the best audio foreplay they’ve ever had! Women will love this cassette too. It’ll help them relax those little muscles that sometimes get in the way of a good time. Stick this in your walkman and let Les Patterson give you the most satisfying ear job you’ve ever experienced.

Sir Les Patterson

10 Reasons Why You Should Buy Someone The Les Patterson Tape & Video

  1. To turn on a reluctant girlfriend for some festive frolics.
  2. To shock your mother-in-law and send her packing.
  3. It's a viable alternative to the Queen's Christmas message.
  4. For men - it's a damn sight better than a tie!
  5. Much more use than a handkerchief (but you might need one all the same).
  6. It's a guaranteed cure for impotence (money back if not completely satisfied).
  7. Perfect hangover cure - Les does all the drinking.
  8. Facial aerobics - it gets your laughing gear in order and will put a permanent grin on your face.
  9. It's a miracle birth control tape - 'Les Patterson's Immaculate Contraception'.
  10. It will keep your Bishop celibate all Christmas long!
  • Sir Les' speech writers: Barry Humphries and Ian Davidson
  • Music by Laurie Holloway and Barry Humphries
  • Lyrics by Barry Humphries


© 1996 Music Collection Int.
On The Box Productions

Sir Les


The online archive of Dr. Sir Leslie Colin Patterson. Wit, sage, raconteur, late Cultural Attaché to the Court of St James and Chairperson of the Australian Chapter of the International Cheese Board.

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