The Traveller's Tool

Unabridged Audiobook

The Traveller's Tool

The Traveller’s Tool is an up-market man’s man’s manual which will find its place next to the Nivea on every executive’s bedside table. When Sir Les Patterson at last agreed to wet his nib and set down on paper his guide for the modern man on the move he made his intention very clear: “I’m a man’s man and I call a spade a spade, so if you’re a bluenosed wowser, a raving pillow-biter or a loony old lezzo with a face like a half-sucked mango, I’d chuck this book away now because in the pages that follow I employ the direct, no holds barred lingo of a serious Australian diplomat at the top of his profession and the height of his sexual powers.”

In The Traveller’s Tool, Australia’s most articulate high-flyer lays bare the international lifestyle as he has lived it. The book is not only packed with practical advice, but is also, in Sir Les’s own words, ‘as funny as buggery’.


Bolinda Publishing Pty Ltd

The Last Night of the Poms

featuring Sir Les Patterson
with the London Symphony Orchestra and The New Antipodean Singers
Conducted by Carl Davis

The Last Night of the Poms

Who else can claim their alter-ego has received a ‘Commander of the Order of the British Empire’ for services to entertainment, they have their own range of MAC Cosmetics, a city street in Melbourne named after them & are still TV’s most loved housewife - it’s the one and only Dame Edna Everage! Coinciding with Dame Edna Everage and Sir Les Patterson’s ‘Last Night Of The Poms tour’, we are releasing the ‘Last Night of the Poms’ 1981 original recording, first performed immediately after the Proms in 1981. 2 CD set-all tracks are performed by Dame Edna Everage with Carl Davis conducting The London Symphony Orchestra and The New Antipodean Singers featuring Sir Les Patterson.

Disc 1

  1. Overture On Australian Themes
  2. Fanfare For A Cultural Attache
  3. Sir Les Introduces Peter And The Shark
  4. Peter And The Shark

Disc 2

  1. Fanfare For A Dame
  2. Song Of Australia - Canto 1
  3. Song Of Australia - Canto 2
  4. Song Of Australia - Canto 3
  5. Song Of Australia - Canto 4
  6. Song Of Australia - Canto 5
  7. Song Of Australia - Canto 6
  8. Song Of Australia - Canto 7
  9. Song Of Australia - Canto 8
  10. Song Of Australia - Encore

A 2009 remaster of the original 1981 recording.



Les Is More

Diplomatic Ditties For The Dysfunctional Family
(without Dame Edna's seal of approval)

Les Is More

My good solid Irish-Australian childhood was full of music. My old Dad - The Lord rest his soul - always came home from the pub singing and I guess I inherited my talents from him. I first got the job as Australian cultural attache overseas because of my showbiz connections. For many years I was Entertainment’s Officer at a big South Sydney club and I met the greats: Sammy Davis Jr., Eddie Fisher, Tom Jones, Dean Martin, even Frank Sinatra. I liked them and they liked me.

One day - will I ever forget it - I was in my magazine-lined office having a quiet drink and singing a few old Australian convict ballads passed down to me through generations of Pattersons. I guess I didn’t hear the door open and neither did Lurleen, my current research assistant, who was pretty busy under the desk. “You’ve got some voice there buddy” said the distinguished intruder, “ever think of singing professionally? I can make things happen for you in Vegas.”

It was Ol' Blue Eyes himself. The rest is history, and on this historic CD with its award-winning portrait of me by Australia’s greatest artist, Bill Leak. Play it to your research assistants. It’s a musical Viagra. No worries!

Sir Les Patterson

  1. Tuna Town
  2. Hard Act To Follow
  3. Pissing In The Wind
  4. Looking Good
  5. The Smell Of Cheese
  6. Give Her One For Christmas
  7. Chardonnay
  8. Never Trust A Man (Who Doesn't Drink)
  9. Motel Mini-Bar
  10. Thirteen Thousand Miles
  11. The Chunder Song
  12. Foreign Parts
  13. Poofters In The Arts

This disc is part of the Barry Humphries Presents 3CD set.


Copyright all material Ednacare Pty Ltd. 2003
© 2003 Warner Music Australia Pty Limited

12 Inches Of Les

A Live Performance by Dr. Sir Leslie Colin Patterson, K.B.E.

12 Inches Of Les

From the desk of

Dr. Sir Leslie Colin Patterson, K.B.E.

Cables: YARTZ (U.K.)

Dear Music Lover,

I’m Australia’s best loved diplomat, no worries, but I’m certainly no kill-joy or blue-nosed wowser, to use an old ethnic Australian expression.

An old mate of mine Ken (Tommo) Thompson, who’s been kicking around the upper echelons of the P.R. Rag-Trade Media traps for yonks, first introduced me to the raunchy sound of Country Music. I heard it and I liked it, little dreaming that a couple of years later I’d be laying down these chart-bustin' tracks.

In my capacity as Emeritus Vice-Chancellor of the London School of Austrialian Studies, Shadow Cultural Attache to the Court of St. James and Chairperson of the Australian Chapter of the World Cheese Authority, I’m a self-taught singer. Currently, the voice you hear on this microgroove is completely ‘natural’ and ‘untrained’ in terms of singing.

Yet these tracks, mostly crafted by Aussie’s award-winning and internationally acclaimed songsmiths, Barry Humphries and Diane Millstead and arranged by ace muso David Mackay, have already had hard-nosed critics using adverbs like ‘comparatively nice’ and ‘quite acceptable’.

I guess you could say I am the acceptable voice of the Post Nashville Sound as we know it Down Under. I am also an up-market Johnny Cash and a thinking man’s Leonard Cohen. There’s even a bit of Dolly Parton in me, though I wouldn’t mind an even bigger bit of me in Dolly Parton. Are you with me?

This is a family record. Take it on your holiday with you and you’ll end up with a family.

It remains for me to thank Bob England and Tim Prior of Towerbell Records for making this waxing the fun it sounds and the Australian Cheese Board (literary and musical archives division) for paying the band, though let’s face it , Cliff Hall on keyboards, Chris Rae on guitar, Paul Westwood on bass and Graham Jarvis on drums would all have done it for nothing. No worries.

All the best,

Sir Les Patterson

Track Side 1 Side 2
1 Sir Les, Role Model for All Australian Ministers for the Yartz Discusses Diplomacy & Diversification Patterson's Pointers on Political Pitfalls
2 Genuine Never Trust A Man Who Doesn't Drink (Blue-Nosed Wowser)*
3 Lady Gwen Former Hand Model (The Woman Behind The Statesman) Les Exposes Himself And The Odd Masonic Secret
4 My Old Lady Motel Mini-Bar
5 Vinyl Venues, San Quentin Or Wormwood Scrubs? It's Stiff Cheddar, Chairing The Cheeseboard
6 Give Her One For Christmas (A Seasonal Chartbuster) Song Of Thanks
7 You Can't Win 'Em All Sir Les Outro & Encore
8 Help Me Make It Through The Night Desert Island Dilemmas
9 Bangkok Chiropody
10 13,000 Miles
* Australian convict slang for teetotaller or killjoy


Towerbell Records plc

Give her One for Christmas!

B/W My Old Lady

Give her One for Christmas!


Towerbell Records plc

Sir Les


The online archive of Dr. Sir Leslie Colin Patterson. Wit, sage, raconteur, late Cultural Attaché to the Court of St James and Chairperson of the Australian Chapter of the International Cheese Board.

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